Parental Alienation: What the Term Means, and Why It Matters

If you work in psychology, you probably know the term “parental alienation.” As a therapist, you’ll certainly know it. Some people deal with it as adults, but they didn’t necessarily understand that it was happening during their childhood. 

Parental alienation can negatively impact a family or even destroy it in some cases. In this article, we’ll take some time to talk about it. As we discuss it, consider whether you experienced it in your own life. If you didn’t, maybe there’s a friend or someone else you know who went through it.

What Does Parental Alienation Mean?

Parental alienation usually starts when you have two parents and a child. It might also happen with a parent and multiple children. The two parents presumably want to raise that child or those children.

Very early on, one parent starts to plant seeds in the mind of the child. They are trying to convey the notion that the other parent doesn’t love the child or that they don’t have the child’s best interest at heart.

Essentially, one parent tries to poison the child against the other parent. They might do so by making up outrageous lies about the other parent. They may also try to twist certain actions by that other parent to make them appear meanspirited.  

Why Does One Parent Act This Way?

There’s no single reason why a parent might try to implement alienation against the other parent. Sometimes, it happens because of some kind of deep-seated hatred that the one parent has for the other. 

It’s true that sometimes one parent has some negative tendencies that might harm a child, but usually, if that’s the case, then the child can figure that out for themselves pretty quickly. If you have a parent who strikes a child, who berates them, or who otherwise acts poorly toward that child, then the youngster will recognize that. 

That’s not usually what happens in an alienation situation, though. In a family where it’s happening, usually, the parent toward which the other parent hopes to poison the child doesn’t have any ill will toward their offspring. They’re probably not acting in a way that’s objectionable by any stretch of the imagination. 

Can a Family Stay Together When This Happens?

As for whether a family can stay together if this happens, it’s possible, but it’s not easy. If one parent successfully manages to convince the child that the other parent doesn’t like them or even hates them, then that makes it very difficult for the family unit to remain together cohesively. It’s far more likely that the family will fragment eventually. 

Even if the family stays together, there’s always a pervasive sense of underlying tension that it’s impossible to ignore. Any guest who comes to the house can feel it. They might not know or understand exactly what’s going on, but they will likely see the way the child lashes out at the parent toward whom the other parent poisoned them. 

What Long-Term Effects Can This Behavior Produce?

If you look at adults who went through this as a child, they’re seldom well-adjusted. That’s because they endured a childhood laced with trauma. Whether they understood the actions of the parent at the time who tried to poison them against their other parent, they had to go through intense psychological manipulation by an adult who should have raised them better. 

Usually, one of two things happens to the child when they grow up. They might remain convinced for the rest of their life that this parent against whom the other parent poisoned them did, in fact, hate them. They may never know or understand the reason for it, but they will not ever escape the other parent’s program of indoctrination. 

It’s also possible that the child, now a grownup, will come to understand what happened. They might even hear the term “parental alienation” from a therapist if they go through therapy to try to get to a better mental place. 

If they come to understand what one parent did, for their own twisted purposes, then they may reject this parent’s teachings. Perhaps they will cut off contact with this parent and reopen a line of communication with the other one. 

Often, though, whether a grownup can get past this kind of treatment or not, it will leave a scar on them. It’s very difficult to get over the idea, whether true or not, that a parent hates you.