Last updated on November 19th, 2023 at 12:33 am
I knew it would eventually happen. A point in my son’s life where he realized he was different. Where he would feel set apart from his classmates. While I didn’t think it would happen so early in his school journey it is now something that has come to my attention. My son has food allergies that are life threatening and this isn’t just about watching what he eats.
Last September, was hard for me. B was starting school. It was an emotional milestone and not just because he was my baby and youngest in the class but because of all the anxieties I had about his care. I worried about him being in someone else’s full-time care rather than mine. I worried what happens if he has an asthma attack in class in front of his friends and if his teacher would panick. I worried what if they fed him the wrong foods or other children ate something for breakfast and didn’t wash properly that would harm him just by touching him. So many anxieties come along with letting someone else care for my son. Would they know how to use his epi pen right or when to give him his inhalers, if needed. I was so scared to let him go to school.
Over the first term I worked closely with the school staff, principal, teachers, and kitchen staff to ensure his safety and that everyone was trained in epi pens, inhalers and his medicines which were available in the class rooms, cafeteria and front school office. Everyday it got easier to trust his new care givers that they could keep him safe. Those are the most important worries that come along with my son’s food allergies. I had prepared and expected to feel this way and to be paranoid and overcautious leading up to him starting school. These were all given factors that would come my way.
What I never expected was how other children would react to my son getting, what they call, “special treatment”. With him being in reception, I thought for the most part, they wouldn’t understand it or acknowledge it. One example, he has to be the first in the lunch line ahead of everyone at school so his food is served first with no contaminations. Older kids make little remarks that he is teacher’s favorite or ‘special’ but at this stage, my son says, he doesn’t mind. I think at the moment, he thinks it’s cool he gets to go first every day. I worried about what the remarks will be as he gets older. However, it came to my attention that there is something my son is really upset about which has now really upset me.
“No one ever invites me to play, Mommy,” my son cried one night.
My son came home to me one day and said, “Mommy, how come no one ever invites me to play at their house?” I was a little confused of where the question came from or where it was headed. I told him he just started school so eventually he would have lots of playdates once families and friends got to know us better. A few days later, he came home crying. There are only four other boys in his class of twenty and he said they had all been to each other’s houses for dinner and playdates at the park together too but not him. He said they have been bragging about it between them in class. I suggested I could arrange a friend to come have a playdate at our house. He kept crying. It upset me to see him so sad. He is normally the happiest child ever. I still didn’t know where this was all coming from. I left it for a week until he came home crying again saying how a lot of the kids went to the park all together then dinner at one of the kid’s grandma’s house, one Friday afternoon and were saying that he wasn’t invited. The Momma Bear in me got a little upset that my son was being singled out so I thought I would casually talk to the other moms and see what is going on at school. Never did it dawn on me this was because of his allergies.
First I spoke to the teacher just to make sure he was playing nicely with his classmates and see if she noticed anything different between him and his friends and she said, no they play all day, happily together. After speaking to a group of Moms at school, one mom finally spoke up and said we are too scared to have your child over to play at our house.
I was stumped. I didn’t know what to say to this school mom who was so honest with me while everyone else just nodded but wouldn’t meet my eyes. I completely understood her worries, I still have them everyday and he is my son. But at the same time, I got angry that my son was being singled out because parents were scared to have him in their care. I didn’t know what to do. I was familiar with that scared feeling but I was also educated on how to care for him now. How did I educate these parents that didn’t have a child with allergies. I know it’s a lot to ask of someone. Where do I find balance in all this?
I sat down to have a good think about the situation and what I was going to do to change the current situation. It shocked me in a time where food allergies in children are more common everyday, there should be more help, advice and support to those that don’t have food allergy children. I think everyone should know what signs to look for and what to do whether it be for a child or adult. It’s like knowing first aid these days. It should be common knowledge. Maybe that’s selfish to ask of people or ignorant because I live it everyday. Though it’s a simple and useful knowledge to have, in my eyes. I am hoping to help raise more awareness for food allergies in children by sharing my experiences along the way from the very moment I found out my son had severe food allergies. It goes to show you it affects them in more ways than just watching what they eat as they grow up.
My first tip to those that don’t know about food allergies in children, talk to the parent about it. Don’t steer clear of inviting a child over to play just because you are scared. I understand, I am scared too but think as if it was your child, wouldn’t you want your child to feel loved by their friends and live a normal school life. Surely you wouldn’t want them to feel singled out.
Next tip, in most cases, you wouldn’t be feeding the child food so keeping the area very clean where they are going to be playing before the child arrives is extremely helpful. Food traces can be spread by eating something and touching toys afterwards by your own children. Giving everything a little wipe down is a good precaution and quick one.
If snacks or food are being provided, always ask the parent, they can give you a run down of what to serve and not serve. It isn’t hard to be cautious. Most of the time, parents like me, will leave snacks and food for their own child so you don’t have to worry about that. Just remember your children might not be able to eat certain foods while that child is playing over. In my case, no one can eat nuts or have touched nuts in 48 hours to be safe. Even if they wash their hands. Nut oil can stay in your finger prints long after you wash. But on the plus side, it’s easy to have things clean and not touch a certain food for the hour the children are playing together isn’t it?
Most important tip is to make sure you know where the child’s epi pen, inhalers, medicine and emergency numbers are in case of an accident. Accidents happen and I know it’s hard to think about the risk you are taking just to have a child come play but if you are cautious 99% percent of the time nothing is going to happen but a whole lot of fun. Isn’t a child’s fun worth a little extra precautions taken?
I have been trying to educate the parents of my son’s class so they feel comfortable having him over to play soon. I want them to understand more about food allergies in children as my son isn’t the only child with food allergies. It doesn’t have to be something to be afraid of if we all take a moment to understand it more. It’s the not knowing what to do that frightens people the most.
All my son wants to do is play over at his friend’s house. Having been in our house most of his baby/toddler life as we learned how to cope with his allergies ourselves, now he wants freedom and to venture out. He wants to feel like all his friends do coming to school and reminiscing about their playdate together. If your child has a friend with a food allergy don’t be scared to talk to the parents and have them over for a playdate – please!!! . It’s a bigger deal to children than you think. They do feel left out even if we don’t realize it.
Let’s spread the word of food allergies in children together and I will be sharing more on what signs to look for if you think a child is having a food reaction soon.
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So sorry to hear this, I know it is difficult when your little one is upset! Hopefully you can raise awareness with the parents, I know that I wouldn’t know where to begin and I’d be super worried about getting something wrong but with a little guidance, it would work out. I’ve learned a whole lot just from your blog alone lovely. Just as a side thought, have you invited any of the boys over for a playdate with you? Perhaps if you had a mum or two as well they would be more confident about having B at their house. Might be something you have already thought about but I know I was the one who had to instigate play dates in Eli’s class because it hadn’t occurred to anyone else as lots of the mums were already friends before they started!
Yeah we have had most of his friends over at our house. That’s why B is so keen to go to theirs as they all now talk about each other’s toys, bedrooms etc and he has never been. One boy even said he can’t come because I like to eat Peanut butter after school. I felt sad that this little boy wants to keep my son safe but also sad my son misses out because of his allergies. Hoping to get the moms together and help me with this soon.
This broke my heart because I can only imagine how hurtful this must be. It is so sad we live in a society where we exclude before we learn to include. In time your son will find life long friends that will be lucky to have his friendship. I hope those parents with your guidance will become more educated soon.
It’s so true though we really do live in a society where we protect ourselves first at any cost without educated ourselves. I am hoping teaming up with the school next year to bring more awareness to children and to parents that it will get easier.
Ugh i wish i could hug you and have a play date with you because my little boy is the same as yours……..His allergy that we know of is strictly peanut ………..and then mostly everything else just irritates his skin. But the peanut allergy is life threatening and he has asked me why he has no friends at school 🙁
Plus in our neighborhood there are tons of girls that come to play with our daughter but not many boys and the few that are here dont want to play with him. My mama bear heart hurts 🙁
Its also part of the reason we didnt throw him a huge birthday party because i think i may be heart broken for him if no one showed up
Yes my son has the severe peanut allergy too. Makes traveling, parties and outings slightly stressful but I say with playdates I can always just stay with him and have a coffee with the moms. But B says no other parents has to stay why would I? He isn’t quite old enough to understand the seriousness he just is sad about it. Then I am sad about it. Not sure what to do at the moment as I know why they are scared. I see both sides but I just want my little boy to be happy.
Ah Jenny this breaks my heart. Eva as you know has non life threatening allergies and even we find it hard that people don’t ask when they are worried. We have a few friends with children with life threatening allergies and talking and being confident in care is all is needed and we have them here all the time but it’s so hard for parents who never ever have to feel like this. Well done on raising awareness and talking to the mum’s and hope the play dates and inclusions come soon as I’m sure they will. Xx
That’s just it. Its parents that don’t ever have to think about it that makes it hard. When we take baby classes prebirth I think a little food allergy awareness could be included. You never know when an allergy can form or happy to your own child. It should just be something that is always taught, talked about and even in school classes I think. One of his friends could save his life one day if everyone was aware what to look for and what to do. It’s doesn’t take lots of time to learn and know and what harm in teaching the world about it all so everyone can help each other out. There are more food allergies in children every year.
Oh Jenny!!! I want to give you a big hug!! I can see that they would be worried but do you know what I would have done in their situation? Invite you along too!! Duh!! I hope that now they have come out and said it that things will improve for him, I hate to think of little ones feeling left out. xx
I have said this too Katy. But B says no other parent stays and he isn’t a baby anymore. He doesn’t quite understand the seriousness of it all. So it’s confusing all around. Hoping next year it will be a little easier for us all.
Aww bless him. Round here parents always stay – gives us a chance to chat too haha! Come live near meeee!! xx
I like that idea, packing boxes now. lol I think I will just have to offer coming with them or having more over to our house so they get more used to it. Kids can be educated so quickly so hoping year one goes better in that perspective.
ahh Jenny, this is so sad, but great that you’ve spoken about it & are making other parents aware x
Thanks Helen I just hope it helps someone else get through it or other parents that don’t have allergy child to be more aware and help those that do out a little more. Not to fear it but get educated it only takes a few minutes to know what to look for, what to do and then it doesn’t have to be a thing to be singled out for.
Ah bless him, I didn’t know he had allergies! He is most welcome to come and play with Jack anytime hun xx
Oh bless you sweetheart that’s very kind of you to say. Might have to take you up on that lol Yes a few food and animals etc.. but it’s more about being open and talking about it with parents that don’t have children that really help. I am hoping all my post about our food allergy experience will bring more awareness to those parents that don’t have to deal with it every day. It helps those that do if they aren’t in fear of it.
Ahh I feel so sad reading this. I suppose they were protecting themselves as well as B. Just incase, as they’d feel awful if something did happen. Educating the parents is a great way for B to feel more integrated, schools should definitely take this on board and educate children too. Children learn so quickly that I think they’d understand more. I’m so impressed that the school and the parents of the other children are now thinking about it. Must be so hard. You are doing a fabulous job.
Thanks Rosie, that’s kind of you to say. I know I have now spoke to the school and will be teaming up to spread a bit of awareness next term and hopefully this won’t be such an issue as it has been this year.
Oh sweetheart I know how bad this makes you feel for them. My sons don;t have allergies, but my eldest has had Type 1 Diabetes since the age of 5 and for years he was left out of everything bar a couple of Mums who I was friends with and who wanted to help.
Hearing him cry that he had no friends, that the whole class went to a party minus him and one other boy who was classed as ‘trouble’ actually made me cry…. mostly from anger.
Whatever people’s fears, all they need to do is ask you how they can manage things when they have him over. The last thing any child wants to be made to feel is ‘different’…. we cope with that every day still.
I really hope at least some of the other parents reach out to you and try to include your son more, I really do.
Stevie x
It is sad that our own fear and self protection is making others upset, sad, and feeling left out. No child should ever feel that no matter what is going on. I think people just need to be open more about their fears and talking through it with the parents. I wish the moms didn’t wait for my son to be so upset and me asking around before I got them to admit their fears and that they told their kids to be careful around him in a avoidance kind of way. Kids don’t understand the difference do they?
Oh my goodness Jenny, I want to give B a big hug. Kids can be so cruel with their teasing. I hope the other parents do sit up and get a bit more educated about the whole thing. After all, it’s a little boy they are leaving out and that’s just awful. Would it help to all go out to a neutral place like soft play? Maybe that would break the ice a bit and means you all become a bit make friendly which hopefully makes them a bit more confident. Love to you both xx
Weird thing is we have been to all their kids birthday parties with me there so they know the score and how it is manageable. It’s the personal invites to their houses and all that which I wasn’t prepared at their age for thought it would be years before this issue came up. I am hoping to get to educate the class a little bit more and the parents next term time.
Ah Jenny, this makes my heart hurt. B is always welcome to meet up with Judah (although he’s a year younger than him) I have nut allergies so we never have them in the house or anywhere near us. If it was me (of course I’d be heartbroken) but I’d try and just make a thing about doing something special instead because he’s so special, like going to the skate park or something he loves. I know you give them the best time anyway but maybe saying ‘because you can’t go ‘x’ yet because their Mommies aren’t sure how to do all your special things yet, we’re going to do this instead’ so it feels like a positive. Isis once was uninvited from a birthday party because her friends Mum didn’t understand which one of us was her Mum (she has three Mum’s only one biological of course) and her confusion made her leave her out, bizarre when like you say they could’ve just spoken to us, but we took Isis to do something else instead and she was really happy with that. Not sure if that’s helpful, I know it’s not a long term thing but if you’re just reassuring him it’s because he’s so special (or a word he likes ‘cool and different’ etc) you’re positively reinforcing his self-confidence instead of him getting as down. I’m so sorry lovely, you probably do all that anyway, wish I could magic it all away for you.
That’s a nice suggestion about doing something special with him. Thanks for that Alex. Will keep it in mind. We are looking forward to being back home for summer and getting away from it all. I will be going over a few things with his class and school moms next term hopefully it will help.
I really get where you’re coming from. My little boy doesn’t have allergies but gets excluded because of his Autism. Even our so called friends didn’t invite him to their child’s birthday party and we’ve all been friends over 10 years. At least for the moment due to his developmental delay Archie doesn’t know he’s singled out or excluded xx
That’s still awful for friends to do that as you know he is being singled out and that’s not right. Bless you it’s hard being a parent and just trying to protect our children and give them a happy fun life growing up. No matter what it is getting them singled out or feeling left out.
Oh Jenny. 🙁 This must be utterly heartbreaking but well done for tackling it head on, addressing the situation as an adult and talking to the mums. This post alone will educate so many. Certainly has educated me. Elsie starts school this Sept and I had a letter about how we must be careful with nuts etc as there is a child at Elsie’s new school with a severe food allergy. I’ll definitely be bearing this post in mind for the future and you know, if your gorgeous boy ever fancies a play date in sunny South Yorkshire, he is very welcome here. (As are you!)Much love X
You are so kind babes I will take you up on that offer one day when we are in your neck of the woods. It’s heartbreaking but I just want to help him through it so it’s never something that holds him back or he is ashamed or embarrassed by it. I am hoping to share a class or a talk with the moms next term and tackle it head on so everyone feels comfortable and safe as I would having him over to play.
Oh what a shame. People just don’t understand and often would rather ignore than address something. I’m just glad that mum told the truth otherwise it could have gone on much longer. I agree I thought we would at least get through reception without differences being highlighted. I’m dreading year 1. Big hugs to you all
Oh I know it shocked me to say the least and when I asked around I never actually expected to get to the bottom of it or that it would be his allergies causing all of it. Glad B is very open with his emotions otherwise he could have bottled it all up too much and not told me. Bless him.
Oh Jenny this was so sad to read 🙁
My son has 2 friends with allergies although I must admit I’m not sure how severe they are, I will make a point to find out. I think you handled the situation brilliantly. It’s such a shame that one of the mums didn’t come forward before all the play dates started, it could have saved you & your gorgeous boy so much heartache. Sending lots of hugs xxx
Thanks lovely. So true I don’t know why people don’t approach me or ask questions or enquire. Anything and I can always be there too its not like I expect the first time for them to go oh yeah, drop him off and be fine with it. It just takes a little awareness and getting used to watching for signs that’s all. I felt so bad for him.
Oh hunny I’m so sorry to read this, poor B 🙁 it’s so hard for them to understand but I think it’s bad form on those mums’ parts not to have approached you and knowingly not invited B. I understand fear, but to leave a child out is not nice. Big hugs xxx
I can imagine it’s so new to most of them and so foreign. The Momma bear in me wants to take him to all their houses and let him have a play with his friends and the other part of me knows how scared they feel. So it’s a tough one but hoping to do a class or a talk next term to help other parents understand it’s more about being aware of what could happen and what to do them having to down right avoid a person so there is little risk. Sadly that’s how society works though. Hide from it all and nothing bad will happen to them.
Oh Jenny, poor B. And I actually feel pretty cross at those mums. At a time when the children won’t really be even noticing a difference, THEY are the ones who have singled B out as different and highlighted it to the children. They should be ashamed of themselves!
I can see that allergies are scary, even more so when it’s someone else’s kid, but seriously… you just ask! I once taught a little boy with an adrenal condition who needed special care should be have a fall or be ill (he needed immediate injections etc too) and his mum was so worried about this for her son too, that he’d be left out and feel different. It was easy to make sure school was educated but she couldn’t train the whole world to administer his emergency care… just in case. Until he was around year 2/3 she just always went along on his play dates, everyone felt more confident that way, so maybe you could do that, just to show them it isn’t as scary as they think. x
Yeah, that’s a good idea and if we get that invite I will probably stay anyways for my own peace of mind. It was more sad finding out how they are having their kids avoid him and single him out because of it that got me really upset. They are so young and it’s so hard to explain it all to him at his age. Hoping next year it will be easier and I will be more open with the parents about how easy it is to just be aware and that I can be there too. Thanks for your comments babes.
Oh my heart breaks for him, it must be so difficult to explain it all to him. It’s not very nice that the boys tease him about it, it would make it easier for you all if they could be understanding. I think you are doing the right thing, being open about it and offering advice. I can see how scary it must be for the other mums but if you’re there to offer support I think it will give them more confidence, I do hope it does and he gets invited to play soon. By writing this you are helping so many people, at least now they can understand what you and B go through and maybe try and work with you xx
Yes I did try to put myself in their shoes too. It is scary but ignoring and telling your children to ignore it or avoid him doesn’t actually help us at all. It’s so sad but hoping next year I can help him through all that and them too.
Oh Jenny, this broke my heart! I’m so sorry he’s been made to feel left out. I hope one day the parents will be willing to have him over to play and get over the fear of allergies. I wish we lived closer as B would be welcome to come and play with Amelia anytime! xx
I am hoping to get with the school and have a few awareness talks if anyone wants to join as there are a few others like us in older classrooms and we have been getting together about it lately. It was so sad though I wish I could just make him ignore it all.